I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
