John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
