i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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