Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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