May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
