Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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