I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
