forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
