So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
