if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
