Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
