If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
