Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
