I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
