Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Are my feet made of real feet?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize