P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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