so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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