that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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