when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
