In the future we'll all be gay
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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