Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
