im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
