Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
