Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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