why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Randomize
