i always forget guys have bellybuttons
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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