I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
