This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
