I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
