my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
