He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We need to rekindle our bromance
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
