a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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