Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
