my sisters under your porch take her home
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
