i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
