she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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