We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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