i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Sober January is a disaster.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
