i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
