When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
