Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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