i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
