It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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