He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
