I hate your face
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
