My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
