I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
