using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i need some magic done to my vagina
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
