Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
