I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
