he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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