I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
