I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
